TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Takoma Park city council has announced that they will be shelving their ambitious plan to draft a Gaza Peace Resolution in favor of devoting their full attention to a far more pressing issue: the escalating Instagram restaurant “war” between Takoma Beverage Company and The Girl and the Vine.
The Instagram restaurant “war,” which began innocently enough with friendly banter over new menu items, has escalated into a full-blown social media showdown, with each side upping their snark to the level of Wendy’s Twitter account.
“We believe ending this charcuterie-driven hostility is the most urgent matter facing our community at this time,” declared the Mayor, flanked by a PowerPoint presentation detailing the latest foodie hashtags and trending avocado toast recipes. “Until we can achieve peace and harmony in Old Town Takoma, we cannot in good conscience turn our attention to matters abroad.”
The decision comes amidst growing tensions on social media as the two establishments vie for dominance in the fiercely competitive world of Takoma Park cuisine. To help de-escalate the situation during tense negotiations, officials have told both establishments to stay out of the “Pizza Strip,” the area in Old Town Takoma where 37 new pizza joints have suddenly popped up overnight.
“It’s a battle for the hearts and stomachs of Takoma Park residents with good people on both sides,” remarked local food critic Pierre LaForque, adjusting his monocle for added emphasis. “And let me tell you, things are getting spicier than this red pepper hummus dish.”
As the city council shifts its focus to brokering a truce between Takoma Beverage Company and The Girl and the Vine, residents are left to ponder the implications of their decision: Will peace ever be achieved near Middle Eastern Cuisine? Only time will tell.
