TAKOMA PARK, MD – Proposed as yet another last-minute delay tactic, a group of anti-change residents have issued a formal demand for the postponement of the upcoming solar eclipse until multiple shadow studies can be conducted.
“We cannot, in good conscience, proceed with this solar eclipse until we have a full understanding of its shadowy implications,” said Mildred Moonshine, President of Ultraviolet Community Vision for Takoma (UCVT). “We must protect the safety and well-being of Takoma Park residents from all things that block the sun – excluding trees, of course.”
The demand, delivered as a strongly-worded letter to the Takoma Park City Council, NASA and the moon, cited multiple concerns over the potential impact of the solar eclipse on the city’s longtime pedestrians, cyclists, and single-family houses. The letter also insists that shadow studies will provide more time for residents to shop for recyclable, fair trade sunglasses before the eclipse takes place around 3:20 pm this afternoon.
“We are not anti-eclipse,” clarified resident Gabe Randall, adjusting his tinted glasses to shield his eyes from the imaginary glare of the sun. “We simply believe in taking a cautious approach when it comes to matters of shadow management, as we are tired of being blindsided by outside forces.”
It is unknown if the moon will choose to ignore the UCVT’s demands to delay the process. Regardless, the incident has cast a shadow of doubt on Takoma Park’s reputation as an enlightened group of people.
