Takoma Park Demands Border Wall As Part of Minor Master Plan

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Facing the prospect of more people moving to their community, Takoma Park residents stormed a Montgomery County Planning Board meeting to demand a new border wall be included in the proposed Minor Master Plan for the city.

“Why do we need to build more housing to make room for more people here?” asked Beth Miller carrying an “Immigrants Make America Great” tote bag. “When surrounding juridisctions send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing crime. They’re bringing traffic. They’re renters. And some, I assume, are good people.”

The new border wall will cost 47 million dollars and will be paid for by increasing tariffs on all groceries not purchased at the co-op. The wall was planned to run the length of the Takoma Park city limits, but due to budget constraints caused by library renovation overruns, will exclude neighborhoods along New Hampshire Avenue. Deer will be microchipped granting them easy access through checkpoints at each end of Sligo Creek Parkway.

Before the border wall can be approved, the portions built within the Takoma Park Historic District must be made compatible with historic design guidelines. Such guidelines include a maximum height of no more than two stories and checkpoint gates constructed of materials commonly found in Mid-Atlantic border walls from the early 20th century.

“It will be a big, beautiful wall with lots of room for murals,’ said Christine Suede, a local artist who works as a lawyer because she can’t afford to live in Takoma Park as an artist. “I can’t wait to see ‘All Are Welcome Here’ painted in bright, bold letters facing inwards for all of us to enjoy!”

It remains to be seen if the Montgomery Planning Board will approve the border wall, but earlier indications suggest the Board may be open to the concept. “I’m generally not in favor of policies meant to keep people out, however, we need to understand that a wall also works to keep people in,” said former Planning Board Chair Casey Anderson. “You know, on second thought, that’s probably not such a terrible idea…”