Takoma Park Granted Statehood Instead of DC

Takoma Park Attorney General Hans Riemer marches in parade celebrating statehood

TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a secret closed-door session, Congress voted to approve making Takoma Park, Maryland, the nation’s 51st state, a shocking move that snubs the District of Columbia, whose residents have long advocated to be next in line for statehood.

“It’s hard to believe a small town of 18,000 people has more representation than a major city of over 700,000 people,” said public radio host Kojo Nnamdi. “That being said, it does seem that Takoma Park dominates political discourse in the region. I’m willing to bet Maryland Delegate David Moon plans to rub this in the face of DC Mayor Muriel Bowser like Old Bay seasoning on crabs.”

The decision was made after prominent elected officials from other areas of Maryland expressed frustration with Takoma Park’s disproportionate influence in county and state government and lobbied heavily for its severance from the rest of the state. Because Takoma Park is considered the most liberal place in the country, Republicans agreed to the deal only in exchange for carving out the more conservative Western Maryland as the 52nd state, which would maintain the current partisan balance of the electoral map.

The transition to statehood will require a restructuring of leadership roles. Until Takoma Park holds its first statewide election in 2024, Acting Governor Kate Stewart has been given executive authority to fill temporary positions. Jamie Raskin will remain a U.S. Representative, city council members Kacy Kostiuk and Talisha Searcy will become U.S. Senators, and David Moon will be the new Lieutenant Governor. To the delight of candidate for Montgomery County Executive David Blair, Marc Elrich was named Takoma Park Comptroller. Holding back the giggles, Blair added, “I can’t think of anyone better to fill this position. I’ll truly miss having him in this race.”

The news does not bode well for Maryland Governor hopeful Peter Franchot, who finds himself no longer a Maryland resident. With Kate Stewart securing her position as Takoma Park Governor until at least 2025, Franchot must move out of Takoma Park if he wants an earlier shot at becoming a governor, but doing so would cost him the ability to influence the public financing of his favorite co-op grocery store.

While most of the nation railed against the statehood decision, Montgomery County residents rejoiced. “Finally, we can rid ourselves of this extremely vocal city that has been over-represented in the county government for decades,” said County Council member Andrew Friedson. “They should make state license plates saying ‘Too Much Representation With Hardly Any Population’.”

The transition to statehood will not be easy as Takoma Park plans to become the only state in the nation to implement a universal healthcare plan and offer free college tuition, but currently lacks a hospital or a public university. The new state will, however, provide voting rights for teenagers and socialized composting.

“We have a difficult road ahead to make sure Takoma Park can be competitive in the D/M/V/TP region,” said Comptroller Marc Elrich. “But I’m confident that our super high taxes, hatred of new development, and need for neighboring states to employ our entire workforce will be an economic model for other states to replicate.”

As soon as President Joe Biden officially signs the statehood bill, Gov. Stewart plans to make the azalea the official state flower, pay herself a living wage, and tell the Maryland State Highway Administration to “go to hell.”