SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Triggered by a female pop star’s powerful left-leaning political influence and her support of the Kansas City Chiefs in the upcoming Super Bowl, a coalition of conservative men have declared their unwavering support for the city of San Francisco to prove how anti-progressive they are.
“In these tumultuous times when a 34-year-old successful woman is threatening us with rainbows and Chief’s apparel, what better way to reassert our traditional values than being on the side of San Francisco?” said Guy Mann, a conservative influencer who has dubbed this weekend’s game “the Super Bro-wl.” “It’s a bold statement that says ‘we love aggressively heterosexual sports’ while taking a hard stand against that really good-looking, muscular tight end she’s dating.”
The political strategy of rallying conservative men behind the 49ers has been hailed as the most perplexing display of sports allegiance since “anti-woke” conservatives abandoned their support for the U.S. women’s soccer team to root for an even more “woke” country instead. Political analysts are struggling to dissect the logic of this alliance, as well as the logic of extremely straight men calling an attractive, popular woman “gross.” However, Mann insists that football allegiance is the ultimate litmus test for one’s sexual orientation.
“It’s simple,” said Mann, adjusting his 49ers hat while sitting at a bar in the Castro District. “If you’re not all in for San Francisco, you might as well sign up for classes on objective feminism and start a gender-neutral vegetable garden. We’re here in this bar full of men wearing leather to reaffirm our love for traditionally masculine pursuits.”
Meanwhile, Travis Kelce, caught in the crossfire, tried to ignore the haters and focus on the big game. “I don’t know why these guys are so triggered by my relationship with Taylor,” said Kelce, wearing a pink Barbie t-shirt while drinking a Bud Light. “All is know is once I rise up from kneeling during the National Anthem and get another COVID booster shot, my mind is on one thing: winning the Super Bowl.”
