ROCKVILLE, MD – In a seismic move, both literally and figuratively, Rockville officials announced that the earthquake this morning was actually the city attempting to physically secede from Montgomery County.
“We have endured enough aftershocks from Montgomery County’s oppressive policies, and it’s time for Rockville to stand on its own shaky ground,” said councilmember Adam Van Grack adjusting his hard hat. “Soon we will be our own floating city, known to all as simply ‘The Rock.'”
Measuring 2.3 on the Richter scale, the city’s geological effort to detach itself from the rest of the county was simply the first step in a broader plan to be executed by Rockville’s newly formed independent government. Another key milestone is the construction of a border wall to keep out unwanted county residents, especially those who say they live in North Bethesda or West Potomac.
“We don’t want these posers in our city limits, taking up all our parking spaces and creating traffic on Rockville Pike,” explained Monique Ashton, the 67th mayor and also the first Rockville County Executive. “It’s time for the rest of the county to get their own REI and Container Store!”
Within hours of the tremor, Rockville residents had executed their planned coup, successfully taking control of the Montgomery County courthouse and other government buildings located inside the city limits. Being forced out of his own building, Montgomery County Executive Marc Elrich was left with no option but to move his office to an accessory dwelling unit (ADU) in his backyard and is now reportedly struggling to navigate the difficult approval process at the Department of Permitting Services.
With a manmade river planned to one day surround all of the newly formed Rockville County, its county council is also working to create a demilitarized zone at Pike and Rose dedicated to peace summits and other negotiations with leaders of Montgomery County.
Meanwhile, Montgomery County officials seemed perplexed. “We thought Rockville was content with being independent from laws we create,” said Montgomery County councilmember Kate Stewart. “We didn’t realize they were planning to go full tectonic separation on us.”
In response to concerns about utilities and services, Rockville County Executive Ashton assured residents that the kitchen-and-bath-based economy would remain connected to the mainland by a series of very long extension cords and garden hoses, at least until they figure out something more permanent.
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