TAKOMA PARK, MD – The City Council’s recent disbanding of Takoma Park’s long standing Nuclear-Free Committee has led to a massive decline in TPSS Co-op membership as residents seek food containing preservatives before taking shelter in backyard bunkers.
“We have to contain the catastrophic economic impact on our beloved organic grocery store or it will be the end of Takoma Park as we know it,” said the City Manager wearing a hazmat suit. “The all-natural supply of food sold at the Co-op doesn’t last more than three days on the shelves, and if people start shopping elsewhere, like Safeway or Shoppers Food Warehouse…god help us all.”
Takoma Park’s Nuclear-Free Committee was created in 1983 to oversee enforcement of a city policy against the procurement of goods or services from companies with ties to nuclear weapons manufacturing. The committee also provided an effective outlet for retired conspiracy theorists to have something to do other than complain about new development affecting their property values.
With the Nuclear Free committee now abolished, former co-op members find themselves struggling to shop at corporate-owned grocery stores. “How will I know where to find the mung beans without the smell of patchouli guiding me?” said Nina Murphy, a tinfoil hat adorning her head while pushing her cart through a local Safeway. “And how will I know if this can of beets doesn’t contain similar ingredients found in nuclear warheads?”
As the Co-op’s revenue plummets leaving customers unable to withdraw their $100 membership deposits, dozens of flyers announcing protests have begun littering the city’s utility poles. Residents have gathered in the community center parking lot to throw organic tomatoes at police cars and craft strongly-worded letters to the City Manager. “Those tomatoes were fucking expensive as hell, so you know we mean business!” said a masked protestor, who asked to be identified by his alias, Pete Franco.
Predicting a dire economic future for Takoma Park after the failure of its “only” grocery store, the Fed has determined the Co-op “too commie to fail” and announced a series of measures to revive the confidence of members. These measures include a $500,000 grant from Maryland’s State Highway Administration, a second 10% coupon day each month, wrapping the building in historically accurate aluminum foil to deflect radioactivity and 5G signals, and the provision of ownership rights to the municipal parking lot at the community center. The Fed also establishes three new redundant committees that will meet weekly to determine how future bailout money could be spent should Takoma Park become a post-apocalyptic hellhole, or, as they call it, Bethesda.
(Disclaimer: This article was written by the Takoma Park satirical writing committee)
