TAKOMA, DC – After Takoma Park, Maryland residents expressed concern over the loss of parking spaces due to a proposed housing development at Takoma Station, the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA) announced a revised proposal for the site: a seven-story, 440-unit parking garage where people can live in their cars rather than apartments.
The new garage, called the “Sleep N Ride,” will provide permanent overnight parking for only $5 per day. The revised design will cost WMATA a huge amount of lost revenue, but the agency believes the loss is worth avoiding another 18 years of battling Takoma Park residents with plenty of time on their hands to attend community listening sessions and place misleading flyers on car windshields.
“We knew that eliminating a surface parking lot was going to start a huge fight with the local society dedicated to preserving historic buildings,” said WMATA spokesperson Colin Anderson. “So we came up with a new garage design that follows Metro’s 1970 aesthetic, complete with dirty orange carpeting on every parking space and egress stairs resembling broken escalators.”
Takoma Park residents rejoiced.
“This garage will help us fulfill our pledge to end homelessness for our cars once and for all,” said Dolores Miller while placing cones in the street to prevent others from parking in front of her house just one block from the Metro station. “We simply cannot treat cars as second class citizens, and it’s time we accept the fact that car housing is human right!”
To alleviate residents’ concerns about safety for their parked vehicles at the Metro lot, the development includes amenities such as free valet service, car washes, and complimentary “All Are Welcome Here” bumper stickers. Spaces will be reserved only for electric vehicles or Takoma Park residents with Ward 1 parking permits, and, due to to District housing regulations, ten percent will be designated as affordable for cyclists who successfully complete a lengthy and difficult qualification process.