Takoma Park Passes Law Requiring Mark To Stay In His Fucking Kitchen and Keep Making Us Food Until We Tell Him to Stop

TAKOMA PARK – A loud outcry against the upcoming closing of Mark’s Kitchen has led the city council to pass a new law requiring owner Mark Choe to keep his restaurant open so that people in Takoma Park can continue eating brunch before going to the farmer’s market.

“After all the times we ate at his restaurant, I can’t believe Mark would do this to us,” said longtime resident and low tipper Bruce Watson. “Didn’t he know that when you open a business in Takoma Park, we decide how it should be run?”

Owner Mark Choe, who has chosen to retire after 32 years, made his announcement just a month after the closing of fellow neighborhood staple Republic, leaving the city council no choice but to enact the new “Keep Takoma Park Exactly the Same” law. The law not only keeps current restaurants from ever closing their doors, but will force the owners of already closed establishments to get their asses back to work and reopen that once great video store that became technologically obsolete in the early 2000’s.

“Our residents are sick and tired of their favorite old establishments closing and new ones coming in,” said the Mayor. “It’s time we protect the small businesses we love from their greedy owners who do selfish things, like creating their own operating hours, setting their own prices, and wanting to retire after decades of service to the community.”

If successful, city officials hope to expand the initiative beyond businesses and start helping homeowners whose beloved next door neighbors moved away and were replaced by some young, rich new family that clearly overpaid for their house. A planned pilot will allow residents to nominate former neighbors on the Takoma Park Facebook Group, and any such neighbor receiving 10 or more likes will be legally compelled to return to the city and resume contributing to the community against their will.