Distraction 2022: Official Takoma Torch Endorsements for Takoma Park Elections

The 2022 election will begin a new era of local politics in Takoma Park. With only two of the seven current council members returning, the city will see a completely different set of leaders next year, and, if living here for decades has taught us one thing, it’s that we should all fear change.

But don’t be too afraid – we are here to guide you through this challenging time with our recommendations for mayor and the city council.

Unlike the 2020 election, which was focused solely on the fate of a small municipal parking lot, this election cycle invites citizens of Takoma Park to fiercely debate a whole set of issues: plans for the rec center, the implications of Republic’s closure, the need for a master plan for the former site of Washington Adventist Hospital, and (let’s be honest) probably the fate of that stupid parking lot again. But, still, there are many new things as well.

We’ve spent the past few weeks skimming candidates’ bios on LinkedIn, researching their views on paint vs. sidewalk chalk, and digging through their trash in the middle of the night. We’ve engaged with an elite team of housing experts, dogwalkers, horticulturalists, real estate agents, vegan butchers, unicyclists, and palm readers to come up with our list of preferred candidates.

Here they are in reverse order (because maybe it’s time Ward One doesn’t always get first dibs on everything)…

Ward Six: The Imaginary Rec Center Developer
The first ever invisible candidate in Takoma Park history has been talked about for many years, but has never before been able to build a campaign with real momentum. Often discussed in many political circles, the Imaginary Rec Center Developer is now a force to be reckoned with by all other candidates. We’d recommend them for mayor, but unfortunately, most residents still don’t believe New Hampshire Avenue is part of Takoma Park.

Ward Five: Owner of the Former Washington Adventist Hospital
We are the most excited about this candidate, who promises to be at the center of provocative and controversial discussions in every way possible. With the largest parking lot in the entire city available for redevelopment, expect the owner of this 14 acre land mass to flat out reject any and all smart, practical ideas by simply refusing to do anything anyone tells them to on their own private property. At a minimum, though, they’ll entertain the idea of organizing a movie night or two.

Ward Four: Nimbee
Previously a strong contender for the Montgomery County planning board, this extremely popular, well-loved, anti-developer bee is what Takoma Park needs to stop the expansion of multi-story, multi-family apartment buildings and condos that Ward 1 residents are forced to look at every day. Nimbee is the only candidate with plans to turn all of Takoma Park into a historic district so that the city can never be anything other than what it is right now.

Ward Three: Vegan Protestors
Experts in creating grassroots movements via flyers hand made with Microsoft Paint, we feel that Vegan Protestors have proposed a novel new approach for attracting new small businesses to the city: attacking new small businesses in the city.

Ward Two: Cindy Dyballa (unopposed)

Ward One: Republic
Republic closed its doors after a decade of being the most prominent restaurant in the entire city. Why? Because they were just getting ready to jump into politics. Long gone are the days of the crunchy granola candidate. Republic is an artisanal organic pressed beet juice cocktail candidate: polished, clean, sophisticated, and pretty – all the traits needed when trying to win in the city’s fanciest ward.

For Mayor: Peter Franchot
A third place finish in the Maryland gubernatorial race shows that this powerful politician should at least be able to manage a 2nd place finish in the race for mayor of Takoma Park. Known for charming the pants off of co-op shoppers, Franchot has the ability to persuade government agencies to bend the rules in his favor and thus could easily defeat any opponent at the last minute with a technicality.

So those are the official endorsements. No candidate is perfect, nor will they be able to fulfill their campaign promises. But in Takoma Park, it’s not about what you can get done, it’s about what you can stop from happening.

But seriously, people, everybody should do their candidate research and make informed decisions. Voting ensures that you get to complain when the other candidate wins and things go wrong. And if you haven’t done so yet, for heaven’s sakes, VOTE!