MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD – Fearing population growth could bring more housing to their wealthy enclaves, lawmakers from some of the richest parts of Montgomery County announced a new plan called PURGE, or Preventing Unwanted Residents from Growing Exponentially, to allow single-family homeowners one consequence-free night to “thin the herd” of county residents.
“Using the same methods I use to keep annoying deer from eating my hydrangeas, we need to control the human population before we’re overrun by renters parking directly in front of my house,” said Town of Somerset Mayor Jeffrey Slavin. “People keep saying we need to make room for everyone in Montgomery County, and I thought ‘why does that room need to be above ground?'”
Approved by several municipalities through executive order, PURGE will take place annually between the hours of 12am and 6am on April 1st. During those hours, Montgomery County residents showing a valid property tax bill can freely murder anyone within the county limits, with the exception of the agriculture reserve, which will be considered a safe zone. While guns are strictly banned, residents can use weapons such as crossbows, knives, and axes or simply run over smug pedestrians and annoying cyclists with their cars.
“Finally, here’s a real solution to our housing crisis,” said Jonathan Kleese of Woodside Park. “I’ve been working so hard to stop my neighbor from chopping up his house into multiple units, and now I can prevent that from happening by chopping him up into multiple pieces.”
Kleese and other PURGE supporters did acknowledge some potential downsides to the plan. “I’ll be sorry to see my son’s teacher go, along with my favorite barista and the local librarian. They’re nice people, but this is what they get for not having thought to buy property three decades ago when houses were cheap enough to get without inherited generational wealth. That’s on them.”
