Takoma Park Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day By Turning All Traffic Signals Green

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Unable to turn Sligo Creek green due to county environmental laws, the City of Takoma Park decided to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by turning all of its traffic signals green instead.

“Our residents constantly express how much they hate sitting at red lights, so we decided to bring them some fun and excitement,” said the city manager while wearing an “Ask For Consent Before You Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt. “If a resident can navigate through the intersection at Takoma Junction without getting killed, that’s what we call ‘the luck of the Irish.'”

So far the plan has worked. Even though traffic on New Hampshire Avenue has come to a complete standstill with multiple accidents reported, drivers have decided to ditch their stalled cars and head straight to local bars instead of going to work.

“We’ve already sold out of Guinness beer and it’s only noon,” said one bartender at Olive Lounge. “We’re trying to get our supplier to deliver more, but we just found out his truck got overturned at Carroll and Flower Avenue and residents looted the kegs for themselves.”

The city is also planning more events for St. Patrick’s Day, including culturally appropriating Irish dancing at the Old Town Takoma Gazebo, protesting the murder of animals anywhere that corned beef is being sold, and giving every resident a shillelagh to chase away all of the snake-like developers.