FARMINGTON, WV – After choosing to be a Democrat and then vigorously opposing nearly every policy proposal that separates them from the Republicans, West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin admitted that he doesn’t really belong in either of the two major political parties but he’s happy just being a huge fucking asshole to everyone.
“Look, I didn’t run for elected office to help anyone,” said Manchin while strangling a bunny and watching the life slowly drain out of its tiny, furry body. “I’ll even cut my own mother’s Medicare because fuck her, that’s why.”
Democrats, worried that they’ll lose the House and Senate if they don’t deliver on their very clear campaign promises, have already gutted 80% of those promises—including an expansive child tax credit, paid family leave, free community college, and significant climate proposals—in order to get Manchin on board. But now Manchin is demanding that all Democratic members of Congress have his name tattooed on their backs before even considering the final draft.
“They keep asking me when enough is enough,” said Manchin, with blood still dripping from his chin after biting the head off a live squirrel. “My answer has never changed: When West Virginia residents finally realize that I don’t give two shits about them. Fortunately, they keep voting for me anyway.”
After the interview, Manchin put on a black mask and pink jumpsuit as he prepared to make his constituents participate in West Virginia’s version of “Squid Game,” in which contestants will be forced to work in a dark coal mine with no healthcare and see who makes it out alive.
