DES MOINES, IOWA – After hours of being stuck in a hot, sweaty high school gym waiting for a six-way tie to be broken up, election officials decided to determine the 2020 Democratic Caucus winner by penalty kicks.
“This was the most boring game I’ve ever been to,” stated Joe Biden wearing uncomfortably short shorts and a sweatband. “And I’m, like, a hundred years old, so you know I’ve watched a lot of soccer.”
After ten hours of a blank scoreboard, it was clear something needed to be done to end the misery. Bernie Sanders got in the face of the officials, accusing them of fixing the game against him. “We should be winning because our team had the loudest fans,” Sanders stated.
Amy Klobuchar, seen yelling at her coaching staff and making several of them cry, was ejected by officials for throwing a chair onto the field saying “Let’s make it official!”
Team Warren decided to leave the match to head over to a more important one in New Hampshire. It’s unclear if she’ll return to attempt her kicks, but she’s already issued an 87-point plan of proposed structural changes to both game play and officiating for next cycle’s caucus.
Even though no results had been posted, Mayor Pete Buttigieg was seen wearing a pre-mature 2020 Iowa Champion t-shirt and hat, parading around in what appeared to be a life-sized 18-inch trophy of himself.