TAKOMA PARK, MD – After three hours of debating the merits of raising the federal minimum wage on Twitter, Sean Murphy finally claimed victory by pouncing on his opponent for stupidly using “your” instead of “you’re.”
“What an idiot! I can’t believe someone can be so uninformed,” said Murphy, 28, while celebrating his come-from-behind win. “How can you sit there and try to explain to me how a $15 dollar minimum wage is going to reduce poverty, stimulate consumer spending, and boost the economy when your grammar sucks?”
The debate could easily have gone the other way, as Murphy was on the ropes for much of the discussion and had to withstand a barrage of heavy rhetorical punches throughout the fight. Struggling to keep up with the facts, figures and solid sources being thrown at him, Murphy was almost ready to throw in the towel when his opponent, Dylan Olson, became a little too cocky and committed a crucial misstep by forgetting to do one final spell check on his last tweet, which read:
“Look, @dogecointrader202. I understand that we disagree, but I don’t know why you are now insulting me personally. Your really starting to get on my nerves.”
That fatal mistake by Olson proved costly as Murphy suddenly found his legs and began a torrent of body blow insults. Even though his counterattack was also full of misspelled words, random capitalization and grammatical errors, it didn’t matter. Olson was down for the count, and the fight was declared over.
When asked for comment on his victory, Murphy attributed his success to his liberal arts degree and his years of social media training, which helped him build the stamina needed to outlast an intellectual ass kicking long enough to win the day with a pedantic and irrelevant sucker punch.