WASHINGTON, DC – In a viral video, several Republican Senators were shown with their faces firmly stuck to Former President Donald Trump’s glutes after mistaking a Gorilla Glue stick for chapstick during their daily ritual of kissing his ass.
“The incredibly strong adhesive has created a permanent bond between their lips and Trump’s skin,” said a GOP spokesperson, as the senators in question were physically unable to answer questions themselves. “Given the size of his derrière, he managed to get 44 total Senators stuck, which will make it almost impossible for them to speak freely during his impeachment trial.”
Gorilla Glue normally comes in a spray or squeeze bottle, but sharp eyed viewers of a TikTok video of senators preparing to engage in the butt kissing ritual were quick to notice Lindsay Graham holding the company’s new glue stick product. Apparently oblivious to their mistake, Graham and his colleagues applied the stick and immediately created what product label describes as a “clear, permanent bond that’s moisture resistant.” With their lips firmly in place and Trump maintaining his regular diet of Filet O’ Fishes and taco salads, a ‘yuge’ disaster was clearly looming.
According to the spokesperson, the senators have tried for weeks to free themselves from Trump and the swamp of his underpants but have had no success. The only remaining solution is surgical removal, which will be costly and could permanently scar their careers.
The founders of the Lincoln Project, looking for a project to distract the media from their own problems, have so far raised four million dollars to hire a team of surgeons with the goal of separating at least a dozen senators in time for this week’s impeachment vote.
“It’s a pretty sticky predicament they’ve found themselves in, and it will take many years of physical therapy to fully recover,” said Lincoln Project co-founder George Conway. “We still maintain hope they will one day be able to walk and talk again on their own, but we need to act soon before this turns into a full on human centipede situation.”
