Takoma Park Residents Demand Financial Bailout For Buying Homes That Unfairly Tripled in Value

TAKOMA PARK, MD – After suffering through a decade of improved economic development, expanded city amenities, and increased property values, homeowners are threatening to leave Takoma Park unless they receive a financial incentive to stay.

“The two reasons I bought a home in Takoma Park were because I wanted to live in a very progressive city with many government programs to help poorer residents and to invest in a neighborhood with a history of strong real estate values,” said Constance Komplanor. “But now that my home tripled in value and I have to pay some extra property taxes, I need these liberals to stop spending all our tax dollars on social programs and focus instead on helping us well-to-do homeowners stay in our homes!”

The property tax rate has become a hot button issue in the 2020 mayoral race as homeowners complain about paying a much higher burden of city tax revenue while rejecting economic development opportunities that would bring in commercial taxes. They are calling for the city council to drastically cut property taxes by as much as 10% – an amount worth 350 dollars per year on average – and say that, if they don’t get their way, they’ll be forced to sell their houses for a massive profit and move to a lower tax jurisdiction like Bethesda.

“This is a pandemic and people are hurting. Our government has extremely limited funds which need to be directed to helping people most in need: million dollar homeowners,” said Komplanor. “What am I supposed to do otherwise? Tap into my $600,000 in equity to pay this extra $350 in property taxes? That doesn’t make any financial sense at all!”

Realizing a tiny tax cut may not solve their first world problem, some residents took matters into their own hands to devalue their properties by refusing to mow their lawns, painting their houses purple, and even letting wild animals live in their home. Unfortunately, their plan royally backfired, as it turns out Takoma Park residents prefer all of these things, resulting in their home values rising even higher.

“We really can’t afford to have our home values continue to skyrocket in this city. If we keep making more and more money, we will become just like those rich, conservative jerks who complain about taxes all the time,” said Komplanor. “I may have to sell my million dollar home and find a new progressive community where I can complain about change.”