WILMINGTON, DE – Following a surprisingly successful Democratic National Convention, Joe Biden has decided to keep a low profile for the remainder of the campaign and allow Donald Trump’s constant missteps and offenses to take center stage, a strategy Democrats have distilled into their new campaign slogan: “ABIDEN.”
“Joe’s been working pretty hard over the past few months, so it’s time he starts takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners,” said Biden Campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “We’re going to draw him a nice bath, put on some whale sounds, and let him just sit back, smoke a J, and hope the Republicans defeat themselves.”
Taking cues from the cult film “The Big Lebowski,” Dillon decided the best campaign strategy for Biden now is to just lay low while Trump alienates more and more of his base. Leading up to the election, Americans can expect to see a new side of Joe Biden: one who hangs around in his bath robe, drinks white Russians, and goes bowling with his friends.
“At this moment, the presidential race is Joe’s to lose, and we can’t afford to choke on the last frame,” said Dillon. “All we’re going to let Joe Biden do over the next two months is listen to Creedence Clearwater Revival, walk to the grocery store to buy some Half N Half, and attend neighborhood interpretive dance shows.”
Some worry that Biden, who has been known to lose his temper, still has to debate Trump, an agitator known for spouting lies, distortions, and conspiracy theories in an attempt to rattle his opponents. To ensure he remains calm, Biden will be given a pair of aviator sunglasses with a picture of a smiling President Barack Obama taped to the inside of each lens. If Trump tries to attack Biden’s record, he’s been instructed to simply respond, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
While most Democrats agree with playing it safe, others suggested that Biden should go on offense while Trump is most vulnerable. “Don’t get me wrong, Joe’s doing great. He really ties the country together. But he needs to take this fight to Trump, who has basically peed on all of our moral standards,” said Walter Sanchez. “This is not ‘Nam. This is America. There are rules!”
Reached for comment, the Trump campaign cast doubt on the wisdom of Biden giving up the opportunity to make a case to the voters. “Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism,” said Kellyanne Conway. “At least it’s an ethos. If Biden’s not campaigning, how will we know what he stands for?”
Biden was unconcerned by Conway’s remarks. “I’m not worried, man. This is a very complicated race. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-you’s. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Joe’s head. Luckily I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, limber.”
