WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump announced another Republican National Convention to kick-off Monday after asserting last week’s events didn’t count amid allegations of breaking federal laws.
“Even though this past week had the greatest ratings of all time, we were informed that we broke unfair laws designed by the Deep State to stop us,” said Trump. “I could just pardon the RNC for its crimes, because you know how much I love to pardon my friends, but my lawyers tell me holding a second convention will be more profitab…er…better for the country. Make America Convention Again!”
Last week’s Republican National Convention broke several federal laws, most notably the Hatch Act, which prohibits federal employees from engaging in partisan political activities while acting in their official capacities. In an attempt to correct his mistakes, Trump gladly offered to redo the entire event at his Mar-A-Lago resort in Florida for a “nominal fee.”
“The first RNC was perfect, but the second one will be even more perfect!” said Trump. “We have so many tremendous new speakers lined up, including young patriot Kyle Rittenhouse, Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., and even my son’s coke dealer. Get ready for Doom and Gloom 2: Electric Bugaloo!”
When told that holding the convention at one of his own resorts could be seen as using his official position to enhance his personal wealth, thus breaking campaign finance laws, Trump immediately grew excited at the thought of yet more do-over conventions.
“I’ll do this every week if I have to,” said Trump. “If you don’t like it, blame the system the left created, where a corrupt billionaire can come into power, put children in cages, tear gas peaceful protestors, and even encourage right wing militias to open fire on their fellow Americans – all while Republicans in Congress do nothing to stop him. No one will be safe in Joe Biden’s America.”