Takoma Park Designates Listserv Curb Alerts as ‘Essential Business’

TAKOMA PARK – In an effort to prop up Takoma Park’s economy during the Coronavirus shutdown, the City Council has designated curb alerts announced on local listservs as “essential business.”

“Along with CBD oil refining, parking tickets, and GoFundMe campaigns, listserv curb alerts make up a huge percentage of Takoma Park’s economy,” said the City Manager. “Unfortunately, the ‘free’ price tag doesn’t bring the city any revenue, but we’re working to fix that.”

“Curb alerts” are posts made when someone offers an unwanted item for free to anyone willing to take it. With thrift stores closed and nowhere to find necessary goods like leftover paint, old Disney movies on VHS, an office chair missing an arm rest, or 17 square feet of orange carpet remnants, neighbors are stepping up to serve their community – and are not even asking for a tip.

“You never know when a half eaten sandwich, a broken coffee table, or a rusty 15 pound dumbbell could come in handy,” said Gene Fitzgerald. “That’s why it’s important we recognize these heroes by taking these items off their hands and saving them the hassle of haul away fees. It’s the least we can do to say ‘thank you’ for risking their lives to supply the community with items that we don’t really want, but will take anyway because we can’t resist free stuff.”

As pandemic-related closures continue into June, designation as an essential business will allow curb alerts to serve their critical functions of clogging up email inboxes and making neighbors believe for a short moment that they forgot to take their bins to the curb for trash day. Most importantly, curbs alerts help people proudly display how much they care about the environment by pretending someone else could use that dirty mattress that’s been sitting in the rain for three days.

“I just don’t know what we’d do if curb alerts were shut down,” said Rosie McDonald. “We’d be forced to storm city hall armed with flowers and peace signs to send the message that we are in desperate need of free magazines from the 1980’s.”