WASHINGTON, DC – According to internal documents obtained from President Donald Trump’s administration, the number of emails destroyed by Hillary Clinton will almost double by the end of the month, surging to over 3,000 per day by June 1.
“We cannot fully predict the total amount of emails Hillary will destroy while she is self-quarantined in her home,” stated White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “What we do know is the number continues to rise as the Fake News media treats our President worse than Lincoln. We must act now to reopen investigations into Hillary and the entire Clinton family.”
Also contained in the report was a revised projection of the total number of American deaths caused by Benghazi, now totaling five. According to internal White House talking points, the “overwhelming tsunami of deaths that took place in Benghazi far outweighs the 80,000 deaths caused by our failure to take appropriate action to prepare the nation for Coronavirus, and should create strong demand for another dozen rounds of Congressional hearings meant to reduce Clinton’s approval rating while failing to produce any evidence of actual wrongdoing.”
The White House did not contest the authenticity of the documents, which originated from appointees at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), but said the president’s impeccable record of researching facts before attacking Hillary speaks for itself.
The CDC predicts a sharp increase in both destroyed emails and Benghazi deaths beginning about May 14. Coincidentally, the predicted increase comes at the same time Trump’s approval ratings have dropped and donations to his re-election campaign have started to level off, leaving many GOP leaders open to Trump’s suggestion that they revert back to their time-honored tradition of distracting from bad news by obsessively scrutinizing America’s premiere female politician.
Initial hotspots like New York and New Jersey are seeing their concerns about Hillary’s emails fall, but other states are seeing a rise, including Texas, Arizona, and Florida, where Trump is now losing in the polls to Joe Biden.
Clinton said she has no problem complying with subpoenas to appear at more congressional hearings. In a prepared statement, she indicated that she is “actually looking forward to” attending the first of many 12-hour Zoom hearings from her home office in up state New York, where she says she’ll “prove to over-compensating white men carrying military style weapons that it’s not that (expletive) hard to follow stay at home orders.”