Senate Votes to End Voting by Senators

WASHINGTON, DC — In the wake of a deeply partisan vote on impeachment and amidst a toxic political environment for cooperation or compromise, the U.S Senate surprised the nation by joining together in a rare act of bipartisanship by voting to stop doing something they all hate doing: voting.

“In our era of divided government, we are proud to have worked together to end the act of taking a firm position on something and then having to vote on it,” said Senate Majority Whip, John Thune (R-SD). “The whole impeachment hooey really made us re-evaluate how we could best support the nation as a whole.”

Voting has long been considered the primary task for Senators going back to the nation’s founding, but Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained that there is actually nothing in the U.S. Constitution that requires it. “Article 1 gives Congress, as the most powerful branch of our government, broad powers to actually shirk our responsibility, take no firm opinion on anything, and not actually vote on things,” stated McConnell.

Democrats complain that the Republican-controlled Senate is sitting on a huge stack of bills that were approved in the House, but going nowhere due to McConnell. “What a waste of paper,” stated Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD). “I guess we’ll just give them back to Nancy Pelosi to rip up.”

Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) weighed in on the messy process of making laws, saying “Nobody wants to know how the sausage gets made, but we’re the ones actually making it. It’s like one big sausage party up in here.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) objected to the new rules. “Voting is what we are elected to do. That and raising money for re-election. If we no longer vote, then we will only have to…umm, wait a second.”  Schumer’s office later issued a statement saying that they were “studying” the issue and would issue a further clarification after deliberating on it.

It remains to be seen how the Senate will function after the elimination of voting. When asked about possible ramifications, McConnell stated, “We are hopeful that by no longer voting, we will set our democracy back on the right track. Next we will look to other areas where not voting can also work to our advantage, like electing Presidents.”