City Council Proposes Billionaire Tax

TAKOMA PARK, MD – The City Council is preparing this week to adopt a first-in-the-nation municipal billionaire tax.

“We are taking the national discussion about addressing income inequality and putting it into action here,” stated the Ward 6 Council Member. “We’re not worried about running the risk of alienating the ultra wealthy. Takoma Park’s government isn’t afraid of billionaires. Angry Sanders supporters, yes. But billionaires, definitely not.”

Although no formal polling has been done on the issue, residents generally seem in favor of the proposal.

“As long as we’re only targeting the truly wealthy, I’m ok with it,” said John Walters. “Some people might think I’m wealthy just because I own a million dollar home, buy $8 per cup coffee, and take most of my income in the form of capital gains. But I’m not like those bloodsucking billionaires who are hoarding and wasting resources that the rest of us hardworking, regular Americans need. So, yeah, make THOSE guys pay more.”

City officials hope the influx of revenue from a billionaire tax will allow them to reduce taxes on everyone else. “With more money in their pockets, people will be free to spend more on the stuff that Takoma Park residents really need, like education, health care, travel soccer league fees and organic Kombucha,” said the Ward 2 Councilmember.

After months of debate, a 27 hour long public comment meeting, the threatened intervention of wealth tax opponent and former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and a last second disagreement about whether to set the top tax bracket at $10 billion or $15 billion, only one obstacle remains for the billionaire tax bill: the absence of any billionaires in Takoma Park.

“It’s hard to do this on a municipal scale because it’s so easy for billionaires to live elsewhere,” said the Mayor. “We only need one for all the city’s fiscal issues to be solved, which is why we are prepared to spend an unlimited amount of money on our new LAB Agency, or Lure a Billionaire. Fingers crossed!”