Let’s face it, Thanksgiving can be quite dull. We all love spending time with friends and family, but some relationships need a stress test to determine if they will last. Here are 10 things to say that will ensure a lively discussion at your Thanksgiving meal.
1. Brag about your latest fad diet and remind everyone that reaching for the stuffing is why they’re more likely to die from colon cancer.
2. Remind everyone of the time when cousin Jeff got arrested for trying to hire a prostitute. Watch Jeff’s face get red as you spill every embarrassing detail.
3. Ask your parents what time they’re planning to leave as soon as they sit down. Then periodically remind them what time it is.
4. Mention that you still can’t figure out the difference between Trump and Hillary.
5. Sigh extra loud when it comes to saying grace. Pull out your pocket constitution and remind everyone this is a secular nation.
6. Complain about the lack of vegan and gluten-free options at the table. Insist that Tofurkey tastes better than real turkey.
7. Designate people to do the dishes. Remind everyone you brought the canned cranberry sauce, so you already did your part.
8. Brag about how much money you made this year, or how your stock portfolio went up by double-digit percentages. Then offer unsolicited investment advice to your broke cousins. They’ll appreciate it someday.
9. Offer your opinion on all thirty six Democratic primary candidates. Explain how it’s all rigged against Bernie anyway.
10. Tell Grandma “OK, Boomer” when she repeatedly asks you to turn off your phone at the dinner table.
11. Remind your brother that he still owes you $2,000 for that time when he couldn’t make rent. Mention that you are being kind by not charging him interest.
12. Make a big deal about Thanksgiving actually being a racist holiday while wearing your Redskins sweatshirt.