ATLANTA, GA – After making bold promises last week, Governor Brian Kemp remains optimistic that he can reopen his jar of salsa sometime in the month of May, according to his staff.
“It’s been a long 6 weeks, and I don’t think I can survive this lock-down anymore without chips and salsa,” said the defiant Kemp as he continued to struggle with the extra mild Tostitos brand salsa jar. “Nobody believes that I can do it, but I’m now curling with five pound dumbbells. This jar should be open before we know it.”
Back in March, Kemp’s wife closed the jar too tightly before putting it back into the refrigerator, leaving the governor struggling to figure out a way to reopen it for several weeks. He’s even sought advice from neighbors, including Governor’s Bill Lee (TN) and Henry McMaster (SC), but discovered they were also struggling with tight jar lids themselves.
Experts have warned Kemp that reopening this jar might not be advisable from a health perspective, as the salsa is well past its expiration date, and it would be better if he just went to the grocery store and purchased a new, fresh jar. Still, Kemp refused the advice, and insisted it was the only way to redeem himself in the eyes of the public.
“It’s about principle,” explained Kemp. “I can’t give up now. Everyone is looking up to me to open this jar and eat this salsa, regardless of the fact that mold has started to form on the inside. Risking lives to prove we aren’t weak – that’s what Republican governors do best!”