New 5G Cell Towers Will Make Humankind Extinct, Study Shows

This week, the Montgomery County Council will take up a proposal to speed the deployment of 5G cellular service across the county despite massive opposition from residents who get most of their medical advice from Gwyneth Paltrow via Goop.

Based on the findings of a single study published anonymously on a random blog, many residents now accept as scientific consensus the allegation that low frequency radio waves from 5G cell towers are so detrimental to human health that the deployment of these towers in Montgomery County will bring about the end of the human race.

“5G is the end!” claimed Rachel Matthews, who started the Twitter hashtag #4GistheEnd in 2012. “If you don’t believe me, you are uninformed!”

After navigating through endless paid advertisements for cancer-killing organic protein powders and açai berry concentrate, the so-called “scientific” blog vaguely describes how 5G cell tower radio waves react with chemtrails from government aircraft, creating human- and honeybee-killing ultra gamma rays, instantly vaporizing anyone within a 200 foot radius (Cats, apparently, will be unaffected).

Even being outside of the 200 foot radius is not without risks; just looking at the ugly 5G equipment can cause permanent blindness and the inability to tell the difference between Trump and Hillary.

“This is what we’ve been warning everybody all along,” stated opponent Janet Sandusky, while smoking a cigarette and laying by her pool without sunscreen. “Nobody listened when we said these towers are dangerous to our health.”

None of the opponents question the fact that there is only one blog to predict the 5G-caused end of humanity. In fact, for most people, having only one source made that source more believable.

“5G is being promoted by billionaire corporations, whereas this blog is run by a guy who lives in a trailer park in Missouri,” stated Sandusky. “It’s obvious who has our best interest in mind.”

With the end of human life nearing its final months, residents were busy ordering doomsday preparation products online, a task that became increasingly difficult as website traffic got heavier. “There’s just not enough bandwidth for the entire world to order canned food and ammunition on Amazon,” stated Eli Lerman. “If only there was a way to have faster internet service.”

Despite strong pro-5G feelings among County officials, some opponents have not given up trying to change the minds of the same council members who allowed Satan and his minions to take shelter in Montgomery County by approving accessory apartments this summer.

“There is clear scientific consensus that 5G cell towers will kill us all,” explained Roger Davis, who has no idea what scientific consensus actually means. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against new technology and advancing society. 5G would make sense if the Earth was round, but obviously we all know it’s not.”

While many residents took to the streets to protest the new cell towers, environmentalists were torn on the issue. “On one hand, we need to create a healthier environment for our children,” stated Sierra Club member Heather Johnson. “On the other hand, humans are the biggest threat to this planet. These 5G towers will finally rid the earth of the invasive species that has been destroying it.”

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