Woot-Ton Clan Vows to Protect the Block After Threat of School Closure

ROCKVILLE, MD – In the wake of Montgomery County Board of Education’s vote to close Wootton High School and relocate its students to Crown High School, a group of die-hard parents has formed the Woot-Ton Clan, vowing to protect their turf with lawsuits, administrative appeals, and old-school suburban intimidation.

“Woot-ton Clan ain’t nuttin’ ta fuck wit,” said one parent, sporting a Wootton Patriots hoodie and the clan’s infamous “1600” tattoo – indicating a perfect SAT score – etched below his left eye.

The group formed to protest the BOE’s outrageous decision to expel students from a dilapidated building and send them to a $220 million brand new facility now under construction. It takes its name from the legendary hip-hop collective Wu-Tang Clan, although the Woot-Ton Clan’s preferred weapons are Facebook posts, angry emails, and public testimony that runs well past the allotted three minutes.

The group’s motto, “Protect Ya Neck of the Woods,” has been reinterpreted as a warning to parents to protect themselves from school board members armed with enrollment projections and school boundary maps.

“MCPS thinks they can roll up in our neighborhood and shut down our school? Not on our watch,” said one supporter. “We ride for Wootton. We die for Wootton. And if somebody’s gotta get redistricted, it sure as hell ain’t gonna be us.”

The Clan has adopted a strict code of conduct. Members must defend Wootton at all costs, insist that every other school is somehow less suitable, and refer to any county enrollment analysis as “government propaganda.”

Their battle cry, “C.R.E.A.M.,” has been rebranded as “Classroom Reductions Enrage Affluent Moms.” Other slogans include “Woot-Ton Is Forever,” a slogan that has proven particularly popular despite the inconvenient possibility that the school itself may not be.

The Clan’s resident strategist is Rockville City Councilmember Adam Van Grack, who has adopted the name Scientific Method Man. Van Grack has reportedly developed a 47-page alternative school-boundary proposal that he insists follows the sequential steps of analyzing unbiased research, testing hypotheses, and drawing scientifically sound conclusions.

“If you want different for yourself, you have to do different,” said Van Grack, sporting his signature diamond-encrusted #2 pencil dangling from a gold chain. “No matter where you from, there’s boundary changes all over the place.”

At press time, the Clan was reportedly preparing a new anthem, “Bring Da Ruckus,” to be performed at the next Board of Education meeting, where members plan to demand that the county preserve their school, their boundaries, their traditions, and the precise location of their children’s bus stops.

No word yet on whether the Clan will accept a compromise. Sources say negotiations could begin once the county agrees to enter the 36 Chambers of a public hearing.