Takoma Torch to Lecture Harvard Law on Handling Frivolous Lawsuits From Shitheads

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Law School, long regarded as the world’s premier training ground for legal minds, has announced a new guest lecture series: “How Not to Fold Like a Cheap Suit When a Shithead Sends You a Letter,” by none other than the Takoma Torch, a small but scrappy satirical publication from Takoma Park, Maryland.

The Torch earned its credentials the hard way: by surviving not one, but two laughably frivolous legal threats designed to silence its jokes. Both times, the would-be censors swaggered in with threats of lawsuits, only to back down once they realized the Torch wasn’t going to blink. In each case, the First Amendment stayed intact, the lawsuits disappeared, and the only thing bruised were the bullies’ egos.

Meanwhile, Harvard, the crown jewel of American legal education, just announced that it will quietly pay the federal government a $500 million settlement to make Trump go away. Free speech, it seems, is negotiable if you’re an elite institution armed with an endowment larger than several countries’ GDPs, and one of the most prestigious law schools in the world.

“The Takoma Torch proved you can actually tell bullies to shove it, and they will,” said one bemused constitutional scholar. “Harvard proved you can also just write a massive check and pray everything goes away.”

The Torch’s lecture will include practical tips like writing satirical responses to bullshit demand letters, creating beautifully crafted social media posts for maximum public backlash, bringing costumed mascots to a courtroom, and selling t-shirts with immature dick jokes to raise money for legal defense funds.

Harvard students are reportedly thrilled to learn from a paper that’s never lost a First Amendment fight. One remarked, “I didn’t think the path to defending free speech would run through a local satire rag – but then again, neither did Harvard.”