WASHINGTON, DC – Chaos broke out along the banks of Rock Creek this morning after panicked joggers and birdwatchers reported what they believed was a massive turd bobbing ominously in the current — only for park rangers to confirm it was, in fact, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. performing what he described as a “sacred fecal baptism.”
“It smelled awful, way more than usual,” said local hiker Pam Ellison, who witnessed the incident while walking her labradoodle. “It was glistening, brownish, and yelling about the danger of fluoride in our drinking water. The dog threw up…twice.”
RFK Jr., who’s made headlines for promoting raw milk and anti-vaccine theories, claims his decision to swim in Rock Creek was a demonstration of trust in the healing power of raw sewage. “The government tells you it’s unhealthy, but that’s just Big Sanitation trying to scare you.”
Park ranger Luis Gutierrez arrived shortly after and immediately shut down the entire park. “Normally, we close off sections of the creek when fecal matter levels get too high,” said Gutierrez in a full hazmat suit. “In this case, we just went ahead and shut it all down as soon as we saw the source.”
Meanwhile, RFK Jr. shit-posted a photo of himself in the creek with his young granddaughter, reminding Americans that bad things usually happen whenever a Kennedy and a young woman go near water.
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