MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD – Chaos erupted in local Facebook groups this week as Montgomery County residents expressed outrage that the global Catholic Church failed to hold adequate community engagement sessions before selecting the new Pope.
“Once again, powerful, corrupt elites in Rome are making decisions without considering the needs of Montgomery County,” said longtime Kensington resident Marjorie Feldman, angrily refreshing the Vatican livestream to see if anyone had posted a Zoom link for public testimony. “You can’t just ram a new pontiff down our throats without at least three community listening sessions.”
Residents claim the papal conclave lacked transparency, failed to circulate translated materials, and completely skipped the required 90-day Papal Impact Assessment comment period. “We have no idea how this Pope will affect policy on faith, morality, or, most importantly, parking,” said Silver Spring activist David Schneider. “And now it’s too late. The incense has already been lit!”
Despite the Vatican’s insistence that the College of Cardinals followed centuries of canon law, local councilmembers say they were blindsided. “I’m personally undecided,” said one County Council member who asked to remain anonymous. “I can’t support any Pope appointment until I hear what the Town of Chevy Chase has to say first.”
The councilmember added they were disappointed there wasn’t even a PowerPoint presentation or printed poster boards outlining the papal succession timeline and opportunities for resident engagement.
In response, some residents are organizing a grassroots campaign demanding a revote, with some local papal “experts” proposing an alternative candidate – a retired Takoma Park atheist faith healer who runs a sustainable composting ministry and leads inclusive Gregorian chant circles on Sundays.
“We’re not saying we hate the new Pope,” clarified Schneider. “We’re just saying we should have been involved in choosing him. At the very least, we deserved a public charette, a focus group, and maybe a Vatican-themed pop-up tent at the Downtown Silver Spring farmer’s market.”
Meanwhile, the newly elected Pope planned to visit Montgomery County on his U.S. tour, but County Executive Marc Elrich redirected him to neighboring Frederick County over traffic and parking concerns.
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