Pretending to Be From Canada While on Vacation Now 25% More Expensive

WASHINGTON, DC – Americans looking to escape international embarrassment by posing as Canadians abroad are now facing a major setback: a 25% tariff on all “I’m from Canada” merchandise, courtesy of Donald Trump.

“Ever since I won the biggest, most historic election – maybe ever – many Americans are buying these Canada shirts like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump boasted on Truth Social. “Millions and Millions. They can’t make them fast enough! So I said, why not make Canada pay for it? That’s just smart business!”

The executive order applies not just to maple leaf-adorned t-shirts but also to fake Canadian passports, miniature bottles of maple syrup, and tiny Canadian flag lapel pins Americans wear to convince Europeans they’re not a bunch of uncultured dickheads. The move has outraged frequent travelers who rely on their Canadian disguise to avoid evil glares and unsolicited conversations about U.S. politics while backpacking through Europe.

“This is a human rights violation,” said Greg Thompson, an American tourist clutching a now-pricey ‘Toronto Moose Hockey Club’ hoodie in a Miami airport gift shop. “Without this, I’ll be forced to admit I’m from Ohio. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?”

In response, smugglers have already set up an underground market for fake Canadian gear. Border officials recently intercepted a cargo van full of counterfeit Tim Hortons travel mugs and “Drake is My Prime Minister” bumper stickers being smuggled across from Toronto.

Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has responded with a retaliatory policy: a 50% tax on red-and-black flannel shirts and poutine. “You Yanks want to be one of us?” Trudeau stated. “It’s gonna cost you, pal.”