WASHINGTON, DC – In a bold move to restore “law and order” to the streets of DC, President Donald Trump has announced a sweeping initiative to eliminate “dangerous GS-13 gangs” that he claims are wreaking havoc in the city.
These groups, composed of federal employees at the standard middle management pay grade, have been accused by the administration of “loitering in coffee shops,” “engaging in excessive telework,” and “commuting exclusively by bicycle.”
“They’re destroying our cities…these GS-13s…it’s gotten out of control,” Trump announced at a rally. “They’re sitting around in their sweater vests, robbing taxpayers of their hard earned money while they earn ‘perks’ like health insurance and a stable income. It’s disgraceful. And believe me, we’re going to deport them all to the private sector.”
The plan, dubbed “Operation Hawaiian Shirt Fridays,” aims to identify and relocate GS-13 employees to “less desirable” locations, such as windowless basement cubicle farms in regional field offices across the midwest and southeast. The administration has also proposed mandatory overtime and the elimination of telework options to “keep them off the streets and out of our cafes.”
The President’s comments come just days after he proposed a federal employee “buyout” program, offering bureaucrats a made-up benefits package to entice them into snitching on themselves as willing to leave their jobs. Critics argue that this is just another of Trump’s attempts to dismantle the federal workforce—one he now insists is an “organized criminal operation” akin to the violent MS-13 gang.
“We know these people are dangerous. They roam the streets with their color-coded lanyards and their little service anniversary pins,” Trump continued. “And they even talk in code. Always these acronyms like ‘OMB’ and ‘TSP.’ Nobody knows what they mean, but we’re going to find out and put a stop to it. Even if we have to raid every Au Bon Pain in the city to stop-and-frisk these people.”
Trump also condemned the GS “step system,” calling it a “sick, criminal ranking structure” that rewards gang loyalty. “Step 1? That’s entry-level. Step 10? That’s like a made man in the mob, except step increases are usually automatic for an employee with at least a satisfactory performance rating. It’s like they don’t even have to commit more crimes to move up. Totally rigged!”
Unwilling to accept these attacks, the GS-13s have reportedly formed an underground resistance movement, fighting back in the only way they know how: by drafting a series of strongly worded memos. “We’ve already scheduled a stakeholder engagement process that will produce a white paper on the issue in 12-18 months,” said one anonymous GS-13. “If Trump thinks he can take us out, he underestimates what we are capable of. After all, we have a reputation for killing action and burying it in bureaucracy.”
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