Experts Conclude Best Way to Handle Any Urgent Crisis is to ‘Pause’

In groundbreaking research that will likely shape policymaking for generations to come, a new study released by the Institute of Progress has concluded that the best way to address any major crisis is to simply…pause.

The study, authored by a team of highly paid consultants, academics and local residents who self-identify as “expert big-picture thinkers,” asserts that when facing intractable problems, suspending any attempt to make progress in favor of letting the issues solve themselves or becoming someone else’s responsibility is the most effective strategy for long-term success.

“Taking any action whatsoever regarding any challenge can result in all kinds of unintended consequences,” said lead researcher Dr. Brent Tardy. “Take the housing crisis, for example. If we built more housing quickly, people might…live in it. And then what? Exactly. It’s better to take a few decades to carefully study every possible detail and potential outcome before making any rash decisions.”

The study analyzed numerous historical crises – like climate change, financial recessions, and that one time when the world ran out of toilet paper – and found a clear pattern: doing absolutely nothing consistently led to outcomes that were, at the very least, not the fault of the people who paused.

“When leaders pause, it allows time for emotions to cool, for stakeholders to lose interest, and for the public to become distracted by the next crisis,” explained Dr. Tardy. “It’s essentially a strategy of playing political possum.”

The study includes practical recommendations for anyone facing a crisis, whether it’s a global pandemic or deciding what to eat for dinner. Step one: pause. Step two: establish a task force to manage the pause. Step three: create a committee to further discuss the pause. Step four: draft a playbook to use for future pauses. Step five: deny any responsibility for the consequences.

The research has already found eager adopters. “This makes total sense. I watch a lot of sports and it always seems that when a team is about to lose, the popular strategy is to call a bunch of time-outs right before the end of the game,” said local councilmember Wyatt Longer, who never played sports. “I don’t know if it ever works, but it does piss everyone off.”

Even though many people expressed concerns about doing nothing, Dr. Tardy dismissed them as overly dramatic. “Crises have a way of resolving themselves over time,” he said. “Take all these people complaining about not having a home. If we just pause and wait to see what happens, eventually they’ll just look elsewhere for a home, and then we won’t have to hear them complain anymore. Problem solved.”