Takoma Park Adopts Population Stabilization Bill to Counter New Housing in Minor Master Plan

TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a desperate attempt to counteract the dreaded effects of adding more housing in the recently adopted Minor Master Plan (MMP), this week the city council passed the Population Stabilization Bill, which limits the number of new residents permitted into the city each year.

“More housing units mean way too many people, and frankly, we just can’t handle that kind of growth,” said self-described environmentalist and longtime resident Christina Polanski, proudly displaying an “All Are Welcome Here” yard sign on her lawn. “If we allow more people, not only will we have more stormwater runoff, but we won’t be able to grow enough organic tomatoes to keep up with demand and I’ll have to pay more for them at the farmer’s market. How is that affordable?!”

Similar to the city’s longstanding rent stabilization law that caps annual rent increases, the Population Stabilization Bill imposes a cap of 23 new residents per year. Anyone looking to move into the city will have to undergo a rigorous application process, including a personal character assessment conducted by long-term residents of Ward 1, a two-day seminar entitled “Why Inclusivity Means Being Exclusive Actually”, and a 100 question test on obscure city history prepared by Historic Takoma.

Those that pass the first round will then be entered into a lottery for a chance to compete in a “Supermarket Sweep”-like game show at the co-op, where housing tickets will be hidden behind organic items on the shelves. Ticket winners then move on to the final round, where they must prove that they can afford a single family home in the historic district, swear not to support the practical development of new affordable housing, and sign a pledge to go door knocking for at least two city council candidates endorsed by Community Vision for Takoma.

“This process is meant to determine who is worthy of living in our amazingly welcoming city,” said Jessie Earthworm. “Anyone that can prove that they share my exact values will earn the right to be considered my neighbor.”

With the Population Stabilization Bill now in effect, long-term residents are feeling confident they’ve found a win-win situation: the ability to say they support new housing without any extra people. “I think we’ve done it,” said 36-year resident Colin Chorus while placing anti-MMP flyers on utility poles. “We can finally say we’re progressive but without all the inconvenience of meaningful change.”