TAKOMA PARK, MD — In what some experts are calling “the most trivial yet heated political dispute of the decade,” Ward 1’s beloved PEN listserv has erupted into a digital battleground over a local city council election, drawing the attention of leaders around the globe. What began as a minor race of a few thousand voters has escalated into an all-out war, with residents furiously typing away to defend their preferred candidate and denounce perceived interference from the mayor.
Local officials have described the PEN listserv as “absolute chaos,” with community members saying they’ve never seen anything like it. “I’ve been on PEN for twenty years, and I’ve never seen tempers this high,” said local resident and self-described “occasional lurker” Betty Bickerson. “People are attacking the mayor, attacking each other, and accusing anyone who disagrees with them of single-handedly destroying democracy. I’m now keeping my cat inside.”
The catalyst for the feud appears to be a comment from the Mayor, who casually mentioned in a public forum that she’d prefer “someone sensible” win the election. That seemingly innocuous statement quickly spiraled into accusations that she’s meddling in the sacred process of Takoma Park’s local democracy. PEN members leapt into action, furiously firing off replies longer than Tolstoy novels, accusing her of everything from “petty favoritism” to “corrupt political theater.”
“It’s like Game of Thrones, but with more typos,” said Ward 1 resident and veteran PEN listserv warrior, Harold Soapbox. “Someone posted a 3,000-word screed about the mayor’s preference for oat milk as evidence of her unfitness to weigh in on this election. I think the argument had something to do with climate change and parking meters, but I couldn’t follow.”
As the skirmish continued, world leaders began to take notice. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a statement saying, “We’re monitoring the situation closely. The people of Takoma Park deserve our solidarity during this difficult time.” Meanwhile, UN Secretary-General António Guterres hinted at the possibility of emergency aid. “We are considering an air drop of essential supplies from the TPSS Co-op,” he said. “Wi-Fi boosters, herbal tea, and perhaps a large batch of lavender-scented essential oils to help calm everyone down.”
The PEN listserv conflict has even attracted the attention of major corporations. Twitter’s rebranded platform, X, offered to sponsor a “Takoma Park Throwdown” live-stream event, promising exclusive behind-the-scenes access to the listserv meltdown. Toyota has even threatened to pull all advertising of the new Prius model if moderators don’t get a handle on the situation.
Despite the attention from world leaders and tech giants, Ward 1 residents seem determined to resolve the issue in-house. “We’re not backing down,” proclaimed local resident Shirley Fingerwaggle. “We will fight tooth and nail to preserve the sanctity of our listserv. Or at least until we burn through this month’s data plan.”
