WASHINGTON, DC – In a landmark decision that dealt a huge blow to environmentalists, the Supreme Court has struck down Montgomery County’s controversial gas-powered leaf blower ban. The ruling, handed down yesterday, marks the first time in U.S. history that the nation’s highest court has intervened in local yard maintenance regulations.
“The Founding Fathers did not fight a revolution for us to keep our decibel levels below 70,” said Brett Kavanaugh, drunk on power and a six pack of Bud Light. “The next post on our Chevy Chase listserv better be someone asking if that loud noise is fireworks or my Stihl BR800 C-E Magnum Blower. Let freedom ring, baby!!”
The 6-3 decision came as a surprise to many, given the Court’s alleged conservative stance on federal overreach. In his majority opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, “The right to operate a gas-powered leaf blower is as fundamental to American liberty as the right to bear arms. It shouldn’t be that only justices get to blow hot air – all Americans shall have this right.”
The ruling has sent shockwaves through Montgomery County, where officials had already declared victory on July 1st, the day the law took effect. “This decision really blows,” said Montgomery County Councilmember Evan Glass. “They’ve now granted immunity to two things this week that are loud, harmful and full of gas.”
When asked if SCOTUS overturning environmental laws at the local level was an overreach by the Judicial Branch, Justice Samuel Alito put on his hearing protection earmuffs and turned his gas leaf blower towards reporters.
In an effort to rally support for the decision in the community, the Federation of Gas-Powered Leaf Blowers Unionists Local 47 Chapter plans to march in this year’s Takoma Park 4th of July Parade.
