ANNAPOLIS, MD – In an effort to prove to Maryland Democrats just how committed he is to protecting pro-choice rights, former Republican Governor Larry Hogan announced today that if elected to the U.S. Senate he will abort the Purple Line project currently under construction.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a Republican that believes life begins at conception of widening freeways,” reassured Hogan, appearing at a recent rally wearing a “It’s Not a Train, It’s a Fetus” shirt. “But I also believe in protecting the right to abort an unwanted public transportation project – as long as it’s within the first three decades of the project, and down-county residents are forced to watch an informative video first.”
Hogan, known for vetoing literally every bill attempting to protect abortion rights in Maryland in the wake of the SCOTUS Dobbs decision, now needs the support of moderate down-county Democrats in order to win a Senate seat. By appealing to the main opponents of the Purple Line – Chevy Chase soccer moms – he feels he now has a path to victory.
“In the Senate, I will support legislation that makes abortion legal in every state, so that every woman can make her own choice,” proclaimed Hogan just before throwing up in his mouth and swallowing it. “And that includes a woman’s right to choose to drive in a safe, luxury SUV over using scary public transportation with those people.”
It remains to be seen if Hogan can draw in Democratic voters with his latest position shift, however it appears this political move solidified support from far-right Republicans in the state. “Finally, someone is saying the quiet part out loud,” said perennial GOP campaigner Robin Ficker. “Besides, if these liberals don’t want their paved roads, they should put them up in the Adopt A Highway program.”
