Nation’s Girlfriends Rejoice at Crypto Meltdown

The value of Bitcoin and related crypto assets plummeted this month, sending waves of panic through the area’s millennial men and waves of relief through their respective significant others.

“All Joe could ever talk about was crypto,” reported Leslie Patterson, 32, of Bethesda, referring to her partner, whose Ethereum, Doge, and Binance portfolio plummeted 76% in the last few days. “But now we’re easing into other things. We started with talking about the weather, and soon we’ll discuss more complex topics, like musicians other than Kanye or why it’s ok not to wear a Patagonia vest every day. He’s a changed man.”

Sociologists have long reported a strong inverse correlation between the price of Bitcoin and levels of physical intimacy between young men and their partners.

“We really dodged a bullet,” said Dr. Sarah Barke, professor of statistics and psychology at the University of Maryland. “If the price of Bitcoin had continued to increase, finance majors would have gone extinct, and we would have had no one left to fill offices on Wall Street. Hopefully this drop in crypto prices sparks a new baby boom of future dudes to sit behind four computer monitors wearing polo shirts with popped collars and drinking Redbull.”

Jenna Willson, 27, of Rockville says she is already seeing results.

“The other day, my boyfriend minimized the Reddit tab on his computer for the first time in months,” said Wilson. “It’s taken some time, but he’s finally been able to communicate without using memes. The only problem is now when he says ‘pump and dump,’ I worry he’s talking about me.”

Health officials warn partners to be cautious around former so-called “brothers of crypto,” as they may exhibit erratic behavior while they cope with the loss of their singular personality trait: an obsession with creating massive wealth and partying with celebrities on giant yachts by trading fake money with pictures of dogs.