2022 Winter Olympics Will Also Require Women to Compete in Bikinis for Optimal Performance

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – Maintaining the long tradition of oversexualizing and trivializing women’s sports, the International Olympic Committee ruled this week that women athletes competing in the upcoming 2022 Winter Games in Beijing will also be required to wear thong bikini bottoms and crop tops, despite the expected snow, ice and below-freezing temperatures.

“Years and years of research have proven that women’s sports are way more competitive when their butt cheeks are outside of the clothing area,” said Pieter Jorgensen, head of the all-male Committee on Appropriate Sports Attire. “Skimpier uniforms enhance agility, are more aerodynamic and improve speed. Except when worn by male athletes. Nobody wants to see that.”

The new standards generated immediate protests from competitors on women’s ice hockey, snowboarding and ski jumping teams, all of whom raised concerns about frost bite or the impact of high velocity crashes without the protection offered by fuller coverage uniforms. Jorgensen, however, was unmoved. “Perhaps these ladies just need to toughen up a little,” he said. “We’re talking about the Winter Olympics, not the Whining Olympics.”

Jorgensen received support in his announcement from summer sport colleagues at the Beach Volleyball Federation and the International Field Hockey Association. “Women athletes are always going to complain about uniform regs,” said Beach Volleyball’s Todd Watson. “They didn’t like it in the 1920’s when they had to wear floor length skirts and long sleeves, and they don’t like it now to wear a thong and a bra top. It’s like they just refuse to be happy.”

The US Olympic Committee moved quickly to try out the new uniforms yesterday at its cross-country skiing center. Although the first six competitors across the finish line were all hospitalized for hypothermia, the team’s trainer declared the test a success. “We’ve certainly never had more spectators show up to watch six hours of cross country skiing training heats,” said Max McCoy. “We might have to build bleachers if this keeps up.”