Researchers Still Trying to Determine How Many Takoma Park Residents It Takes To Change a Light Bulb

TAKOMA PARK, MD – After more than 25 years and millions of dollars in research grants, the nation’s top experts are still baffled by the question of exactly how many Takoma Park residents it takes to change a light bulb.

“This is a question that was posed on a listserv way back in 1997, and, to this day, it remains unanswerable,” said MIT Professor Douglas Lohrman. “What started as a light-hearted ribbing of a highly engaged liberal enclave has turned into one of the world’s most unsolved mysteries.”

So far, it appears that thousands of residents and local government officials are needed to change a light bulb in Takoma Park. First, committees must be formed to determine whether changing a light bulb is absolutely necessary given all the other more important issues in the rest of the world. Then, a study is performed to see how light spreads from the bulb and whether it equally reaches all members of the community, followed by environmental impact studies, a public safety assessment, and several meetings with the city attorney to determine whether the new bulb complies with the city’s nuclear-free regulations.

“Most people don’t realize how delicate this issue is and how important it is to get this right the first time,” said the Mayor. “If we install a light bulb that even one person doesn’t like, our inboxes will get flooded by constituent emails and the city will essentially shut down.”

Once the city announces a proposal to change a light bulb, it is first debated for several years by residents, who will rush to form pro-bulb or anti-bulb Facebook groups, often distributing flyers or petitions to misinform the public about the long-term effects of artificial light. Endless testimony will be given by thousands of residents who claim to be experts in light technology but who will base most of their uninformed opinions on how the city has plenty of light already and that any more will “end Takoma Park as we know it.” The two sides will become so caught up in this light bulb debate that they’ll ignore their regular jobs, causing their co-workers to have to pick up the slack.

“We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, and we’re just now realizing how far this city is willing to go to complete a basic task,” said Lohrman. “Who knew involvement on this light bulb issue has spread beyond the city limits and into other parts of Maryland, DC, and Virginia. I really wish I could go back in time and get my life back.”

It remains to be seen how much longer it will take before an answer can be determined. Until then, the City of Takoma Park is currently looking for someone with any bright ideas.