WASHINGTON, DC – In his plan to get all Americans vaccinated and thereby end the COVID-19 pandemic, Dr. Anthony Fauci advises wrapping the vaccine inside a slice of cheese to trick skeptical Americans into swallowing it.
“We understand there is vaccine suspicion among many conspiracy theorists and multi-level marketing moms who don’t trust science or the government,” said Fauci. “Luckily, we’ve learned that these types of people behave very similarly to dogs. While they claim to question everything, they never question getting a treat in a piece of processed cheese that came from a plastic wrapper.”
Before this plan can be implemented, the vaccine will need to be changed into pill form, which Fauci acknowledges can be less effective. “It may take several daily doses of pills to equal the effectiveness of one shot in the arm,” said Fauci. “For those who repeatedly spit out the pill even with a cheese wrapping, we’ve found that grinding it up and mixing it into an Herbalife shake works well, too.”
For those who prefer giving a shot to the vaccine skeptics in their lives, Fauci offered a number of other suggestions, including luring the person to their doctor’s office by promising a car trip to the park or distracting them from the injection by showing them a YouTube video explaining how Bill Gates worked with Obama to create the coronavirus in a lab in Wuhan, China.
“After a successful vaccine is administered, it’s very important to give positive reinforcement,” Fauci said. “I recommended a nice pat on the head after removing that person’s tinfoil hat.”
