COLLEGE PARK, MD – In a dedication ceremony this week, the University of Maryland will formally recognize alumnus and Under Armour CEO Kevin Plank for his $25 million gift that has made possible a new, state-of-the-art Zoom background.
“The Kevin Plank Zoom Background for Innovation and Entrepreneurship begins a new era in university development and fundraising,” said University Relations VP Jackie Lewis standing in front of the background. “The Plank gift kicks-off our new initiative: ‘Terps Zooming to the Future’, a new campaign selling naming rights to filthy-rich alums for things that only exist in our imagination.”
UMD envisions a suite of high-quality virtual Zoom backgrounds available for use by all students and faculty. “Naming rights to virtual assets which don’t even exist in real life is the new frontier in university giving,” according to Lewis. “With the pandemic funding crises upon us, we’ll take whatever we can get.”
The Plank Background is a high resolution image of fancy exercise equipment containing the Under Armour and UMD logos. Other Zoom backgrounds for sale include images that evoke memories of how cool campus used to be when boomers were in college, hazing was condoned, and actual non-food service jobs were available after graduation. For example, UMD is seeking public-private partnerships with local beer distributors to develop an animated background Zoom video representing a late night drunken ride on the Shuttle-UM 104 from the College Park metro station back to campus.
“UMD has the unique ability to create and sell naming rights to any Zoom background one can imagine to make a better campus,” stated Lewis. “Our own Maryland Quidditch Team is working with funders to develop an animated background so they appear to be flying, rather than running around a soccer field with broomsticks between their legs.”
For that really rich Maryland resident looking to overcompensate for owning the worst NFL franchise in the DC area, UMD is auctioning off a series of Zoom background images of Capital One Field at Maryland Stadium showing sellouts of Big 10 football games with fans actually wearing Maryland apparel rather than Penn State, Michigan, or Ohio State jerseys. Along with images of state-of-the-art training facilities, amazing co-ed parties, and a virtual display case of National Championship trophies, the Zoom backgrounds are designed to lure top football recruits by portraying an amazing stadium that could exist if they manage to put together a half-decent team.