OCEAN CITY, MD – After President Donald Trump demanded that churches be allowed to reopen, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan immediately reclassified Ocean City as a place of worship just in time for Memorial Day Weekend.
“Going to the shore is definitely our state’s biggest religious tradition, and I have to honor that,” said Governor Hogan. “Even more than the Bible, pleasing Eastern Shore Republicans is the one thing that drives all of my governing decisions.”
The news sent residents flocking to the beach in order to escape the two month lockdown by taking in the warm sun and catching some waves. Miraculously, the Bay Bridge had very little traffic and prayers for the rain to hold off were answered.
“If you think about it, Ocean City has all of the characteristics that define a church,” said Hogan. “It has plenty of water for conducting baptisms, drunk teenagers are speaking in tongues, visitors line up to receive the Eucharist in the form of Thrasher’s Fries, and most people only show up twice a year.”
Even as many people crowded together on the sand, most not wearing masks, beachgoers remained unconcerned about exacerbating the spread of Coronavirus. “From what I’ve been seeing on TV, sunlight kills Coronavirus, so we should be safe,” said Bill Daniels while coughing incessantly. “Plus, I’ve been drinking a lot of church wine so that should kill off any virus that enters my body.”
Hoping to reassure Marylanders that this new classification as a place of worship does not blur the line between church and state, Hogan stated that attendance at the shore is purely optional, though tithes will be collected to widen all roads leading to this new holy ground.
