WASHINGTON, DC – After a thorough explanation by Dr. Sanjay Gupta of the transmission of novel Coronavirus through flatulence, N95 Underwear is now required to be worn as a condition of entering reopened businesses, especially ones containing elevators.
“The goal of N95 Underwear is not to prevent the wearer from catching Coronavirus, it prevents the wearer from spreading it,” said Gupta. “Standard Hanes or Fruit of the Loom underwear may not be enough to contain the viral load from someone who just woofed down a Chipotle burrito.”
Concerns were raised after it was reported that several White House staff members tested positive for Coronavirus – all shortly after May 5th, or Cinco de Mayo, when the President enjoys his annual Taco Salad from the Trump Tower cafeteria. White House aides, including President Trump’s personal valet and Vice President Pence’s press secretary, tested positive shortly after sitting near the President during the fiesta, close enough to be inside what Gupta termed the “Crop Dust Radius.” The president, however, flat out denied spreading the virus to his aides, claiming that “he who smelt it, dealt it.”
In light of the increasing threat of flatulence-based infection, Chinese scientists performed a series of model tests to understand how easily Coronavirus can be spread inside of confined public spaces. Using a standard American Taco Bell, it was shown that 45% of patrons were infected with the virus if only one infected person was present without the necessary N95 underwear. With N95 underwear, the model showed no spread.
“We realized we had overlooked one important factor when trying to contain the virus, and that was the fact that people have two orifices in which air can explode out of at a very fast speed,” stated Dr. Gupta. “Unlike a loud cough or sneeze, a fart can easily happen without notice. They are called ‘silent but deadly’ for a reason.”
As with masks, the appropriate fit of N95 underwear is key to ensuring its effectiveness. Thongs and boxers are not sufficiently air tight to contain the droplets released during flatulence. For this reason, the only underwear styles to earn the N95 seal are granny panties and tighty whities.
