TAKOMA PARK, MD – Kim Trotsale has been driving around Old Town Takoma for over twenty minutes, hoping to find an available parking spot so she can grab some organic vegetables and cage-free eggs at the Laurel Avenue farmer’s market. It’s her turn to host Book Club this weekend, and she’s worried about running out of time to make a vegetarian quiche for a group with already impossibly high standards.
It’s an all too common problem for patrons of Takoma Park’s favorite Sunday morning event, which is why Amazon, working with the Takoma Park Farmer’s Market, enthusiastically announced its roll-out of Takomazon Prime, a home delivery service for fresh produce without the smell of patchouli oil and incense.
“Takomazon Prime is a perfect service for me,” stated Trotsale. “Not only does it save me time, but I can stay home instead of dealing with the anxiety of bumping into people I should know but whose names I can’t recall.”
The urban farmer’s market phenomenom took off in the 1990s as baby boomers with young kids in obnoxious double-wide strollers tried in vain to reclaim a simpler, agriculturally-oriented lifestlye. Before the era of a Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s in every town, the urban farmer’s market was the closet thing to the rural road-side stand.
That insight has led Amazon’s data analytics to shape the future. Takomazon Prime marries Amazon’s tech with crunchy granola self-righteousness. Users can download the Takomazon Prime app and, using voice recognition algorithms, order farmer’s market produce including kale, beets, and kombucha tea without being told their dog isn’t allowed entrance.
Instead of saying “Hey, Alexa,” which sounds too much like a patriarchal demand, users will simply say “Yo, Bruh” followed by a request, such as “hook me up with some cilantro.” Within an hour, a Takomazon Prime delivery truck will block both lanes of traffic on your street and a ridiculous amount of cilantro magically will appear at your door, wrapped in four plastic bags and hidden inside Russian doll-style cardboard box packaging.
Takomazon Prime has already inked contracts with most farmer’s markets in the U.S., Canada, Mexico and much of Central and South America. “Our goal is to have relationships with farmer’s markets around the globe so when someone in Minneapolis wants fresh corn in, say, February, we can bring farmer’s market corn from Chile within four hours,” stated Chief Operating Officer Robin Libs.
For those who worry that their local, crunchy enclave has sold out to an evil corporate overlord, Takomazon Prime has given assurances that the food will be respected per Takoma Park’s highest ethical standards, including—but not limited to—stacking tofu no more than five rows high and keeping Brussels sprouts hormone-free.
Still, many Takomazon Prime users express some sadness over the loss of the in-person farmer’s market visit. “I love this new app,” said Trotsale, “but it doesn’t replicate my favorite part of the farmer’s market experience: taking free samples while promising to come back to buy something, but never actually doing so. No app can reproduce that joy.”