ANNAPOLIS, MD – In response to a crippling shortage of statewide COVID-19 doses, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan promised a more efficient vaccination distribution process utilizing the much awaited Purple Line transit system, which he claims is now well on its way to successful completion.
“To all those worried about the long wait to get a COVID vaccine: trust me, it will happen very soon,” said Hogan while announcing the continued expansion of vaccine eligibility far beyond what supplies will support. “Thanks to my leadership, as soon as the Purple Line is done – which, by my conservative estimate, will be only a matter of days – we’ll be able to quickly get vaccinations to everyone in Maryland.”
Hogan also announced that residents can begin purchasing Purple Line tickets using a very simple system modeled on the vaccination distribution network. Transit tickets can be reserved through a decentralized collection of uncoordinated websites that don’t actually sell tickets, but have links to other websites that also don’t sell tickets, but will alert you to the availability of new tickets. For those lucky enough to be at their computers within seconds of an alert going out, the actual purchasing process requires only that a riddle be solved to unlock an application page, which must be filled out and hand delivered to the far corner of Western Maryland, where an 80 year old with no computer skills needs to successfully upload the application to the CVS corporate mainframe.
Hogan also used the vaccine media event to also announce more non-existent progress on other pressing national issues, including homelessness, food scarcity, and even world peace.
“If there is one thing my experience with COVID has taught me, it’s that I can get unlimited good press by announcing huge achievements that have no basis in reality,” said Hogan. “As far as we’re concerned, the pandemic is checked off our to-do list now, and we’re moving on to bigger issues, like ending poverty and maybe even the establishment of peace in the Middle East, if we have time.”
Critics have been highly frustrated by the Governor’s habit of declaring policy victories in the absence of any evidence of improvement. “This man wasted $9 million of state funds on useless foreign COVID test kits, and got a book tour out of it!” said Montgomery County Council Member Evan Glass. “Hogan will say whatever he wants regardless of reality. What’s next? He gets to declare himself People’s Sexiest Man Alive?”