ROCKVILLE, MD – As Montgomery County sets to enter Phase 2 of reopening businesses this Friday, County Executive Marc Elrich is already looking ahead by preparing the county for Phase 3, or “Ludicrous Speed.”
“We need to increase economic activity to avoid falling further behind. Clearly Phase 2, or ‘Light Speed’ is too slow,” stated the County Executive requesting to be called by his alias name, Dark Helrich. “Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to…ludicrous speed!”
According to Helrich, Phase 3 includes not only reopening existing businesses, but rapidly expanding economic development to surpass neighboring Virginia counties, which are already light years ahead of Montgomery County in job creation and business growth. His plan is to kidnap Jeff Bezos from business-rich Arlington and hold him hostage in exchange for fresh jobs.
While most residents seemed supportive of the warp speed proposals by Dark Helrich, some in his own administration raised caution. “Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we’ve never gone that fast before! I don’t know if the county can take it!” exclaimed Montgomery County Chief Administrative Officer Andrew Kleine.
In response to criticism of moving too fast, Elrich doubled-down by touting his plans for Phase 4, which includes building a colossal robotic maid with a giant vacuum to suck up all of the jobs from Virginia and bringing them to Montgomery County.