Desperate For Content Due to Coronavirus, ESPN Creates New Sporting Events

WASHINGTON, DC – After nearly all major sports seasons have been suspended in an effort to reduce the spread of COVID-19 Coronavirus, ESPN has created new social distancing competitions to keep viewers entertained.

College basketball might be over, but March Madness is alive and well. The new tournament will now consist of 64 shoppers battling to get that coveted last roll of toilet paper at the store. Top seeds will go to the players who really have to go number two.

For all you bull riding fans, prepare for the excitement of Transit Rodeo, where you can watch contestants see how long they can maintain their balance on the bus or subway without touching gross handrails or poles. Watch out for those sharp turns and potholes!

Even though you can’t watch favorites like Reynaldo and Messi for a few weeks, tune in Saturday for Public Bathroom Soccer. There, you’ll see amazing displays of foot skills as contestants lock stall doors, flush toilets and complete other restroom tasks without using their hands.

Early next week, the first official NASDAQCAR races will get underway in New York. Viewers can expect hours of fun watching investments jockeying for position through 500 complete panic and rebound laps, interrupted periodically by trading halt “pit stops” and spectacular crashes.

Finally, despite persistent claims of judging corruption and subjectivity in the awarding of points, the Competitive Hand Washing Championship will be held next week, with athletes to be scored on both technique and artistic expression. Winners will be awarded the opportunity to scrub on a medal stand for as long as it takes to play their national anthems all the way through twice.

Anticipating the cancellation of the summer games, ESPN has also sponsored a brand new international competition where Americans can cheer for the U.S. in their quest to capture all of the gold, silver, and bronze in the world to replace its currently worthless currency. Of course, just like U.S. Soccer, expect the women to get screwed over even though they’re the only ones with the ability to actually get the gold.

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