TAKOMA PARK, MD – Following the city’s announcement that it will take over youth soccer operations, a local adult softball beer league has formally requested that Takoma Park assume responsibility for its games, equipment, scheduling, and increasingly unaffordable postgame beer tabs.
“We’ve been playing softball for 20 years, and frankly, the private sector has failed us,” said league commissioner Dave Morrison, 47, who has never hit a home run but has strong opinions about municipal budgeting. “We’re expected to find our own players, collect our own fees, and settle our own disputes? What are we, libertarians?”
Under the proposal, the city would provide bats, balls, umpires, uniforms bearing “Property of Takoma Park” and a publicly owned keg at each game. Players would pay a modest progressive tax based on batting average, with proceeds redistributed to players who strike out more than twice in a game.
“No one should have to go thirsty just because they’re batting .180,” Morrison explained.
The league’s most urgent concern, however, is its beer tab, which has climbed to nearly $48 per player after games at local establishments. The group has requested that the city establish a postgame refreshments taskforce to negotiate bulk discounts and ensure that players who order expensive IPAs contribute more to the public good.
City officials reportedly welcomed the proposal, noting that municipal management could eliminate the inefficiencies of privately organized recreational sports, such as having to text 14 grown men to find out who can play on Tuesday.
“We believe sports should be a shared community resource,” said one official. “Under our model, everyone will receive equal playing time, regardless of skill, effort, or whether they show up.”
The proposal has drawn criticism from some residents, who questioned whether the city should be responsible for organizing recreational activities for adults who are perfectly capable of doing so themselves. The league described the situation as an unsustainable example of unregulated capitalism.
“These people want us to believe a group of middle-aged men can manage their own softball league,” said Morrison. “Half of these guys still haven’t paid their fees, and our entire infrastructure depends on a guy named Steve remembering to bring the bases.”
The league has also asked the city to take over its fantasy football league, poker nights, and annual golf outing, arguing that all three activities would benefit from centralized planning and equitable redistribution of winnings.
Meanwhile, the league has threatened to strike if the city fails to provide free beer by opening day of next Spring, and have announced sit-ins everyday at Olive Lounge, Motorkat, and the VFW during happy hours.
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