Contest Submission #1 “Sligo Creek To Be Filled With Beer For St. Patrick’s Day”

By Colm Konyndyk

If you’ve been hearing a loud, continuous machine sound recently, that just may be the sound of Montgomery County’s new plans for this upcoming St. Patrick’s day.

“We want to celebrate St. Patty’s day in the only way we know how,” said county executive Marc Elrich, “excessive drinking.”

Immediately after that interview, a self proclaimed Irish man approached us to make sure we “spell St. Patty’s day correctly; P-A-D-D-Y-S.” To which we assured him we would try our best.

Newly released city blueprints show a plan to drain Sligo Creek, and replace the entirety that runs through Montgomery County with imported Guinness beer. Inspired by Chicago dying their river green, Montgomery County hopes to become the next big tourist attraction. The first part of the plan, draining the creek, is being done using hundreds of shop vacuums all running at the same time.

“The county’s budget wouldn’t allow for anything more expensive,” explained Eldrich, “so we [legally stole] shop vacs from every store we could find, and they seem to work just fine.”

MOCO police have reported a “significant uptick in noise complaints,” all coming from houses built next to the creek. Most reported a loud humming and gurgling sound, akin to the type produced by the 392 shop vacs being used to suck up the water. All of these vacuums are plugged into the same power generator, which the fire department has deemed a fire risk, as well as putting out a public statement to “not go near any objects that look like a power generator … [and] if you do see a fire, call 911 immediately.”

After the creek is drained, Marc Elrich stated that the county will enlist the help of local construction teams to “pour an unfathomable amount of Guinness beer into the creek,” using cement mixers to keep it in storage until the time comes. This will further postpone the construction of the purple line.

“Eh, it’s for the county, and I get free beer,” said a construction worker when asked, choosing to stay anonymous in fear of being fired for drinking while operating heavy machinery.

Not to be outdone, the city of Philadelphia has unveiled plans to fill their river –The Schuylkill River– with the blood of every Dallas Cowboys fan that dares to enter the city, though this plan seems to be more of a permanent change rather than specifically for St. Patrick’s day.